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68 yo Anne presented to the clinic for her Women's Health Exam. She has lost over 65 pounds through Weight Watchers. She is ready to begin swimming again. She feels very envigorated, and feels this is largely due to a recent event which enabled her to reconcile her past family history of abuse.
Anne was raised by an alcoholic father and an enabling mother, in a home with three abusive older brothers and one younger brother. It was common in her household to hear arguing between the parents, and it was common for her mother to be struck by her father to the point of injury.
The boys were the priority in the family. Anne recalls hours of insults from her father, directed at her. She was repeatedly called a "whore," and "no good." If she studied late, her father would rage, "Go to bed; what do you think you are doing?" If her grades were less than perfect, he'd begin an opposite tirade - belittling her once again. She could never find a balance that pleased him.
The parents divorced when Anne's mother finally had enough - when her mother was 72. Later, the father died. Her mother became more demanding on Anne's time, and the brothers came by only once a year - never producing any substantive support. Anne became the caregiver - at least the one who did the shopping, the laundry, and the errands.
At the same time, Anne was struggling with increasing weight and other health problems. She tried numerous diets, but without long-term success.
A couple of weeks ago, Anne went to visit her brothers. She stayed in one of their homes. Memories of abuse in a childhood controlled by the men in the family, came flooding back. At one point during her visit, Anne was cold and went to turn up the thermostat. Her brother barked, "Don't do that," raising his hand as if he was about to strike her.
At that moment, Anne flashed back to five-year-old Anne, sitting at the top of the stairs in terror, listening to her parents argue. Adult Anne went to bed in tears that evening, dreaming that her threatening brother was trying to kill her.
Anne left the vist early, contemplating her childhood on the return trip to Seattle. She had spent a lifetime protecting that five-year-old Anne - by tending to her career, by buying a home, and by not marrying into another abusive partnership that replicated her parents' marriage.
She appreciates now that food was always her comfort - insulating her against the harshness of her father and the inability of her mother to protect her.
Anne is now ready to nurture the adult Anne, and she is beginning to explore the forms that nurturing might take.
She is confident that she will continue to lose weight and continue to swim.
As she says, "It was never about the food."
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Sound familiar? If you, too, have used food as a comfort, try to identify what caused the need to seek this comfort. What served you as a child may not be needed as an adult.
Take care; we're all in this together.
Linda Gromko
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